What good could come of something that shatters your whole world. This was the question that I asked God on January 4th of this year. While curled up in bed with tears flowing, I was asking God straight up “how can this be Your will?”.
It has been almost four months now since our loss. Four months of flashbacks to that terrible week where we found out the loss, held our loss and signed papers to cremate our baby. Four months of flash-forwards to what should be happening now, how we were planning on finishing school early to get the nursery ready. Plans of picking out a “coming home” outfit for our little guy. The lack of plans for summer vacations because our lives would be consumed with adjusting to life with three littles.
What good could come of God giving a life, and then God taking it away? I still long for Nathaniel’s life to be developing in me. I wish that I was at the uncomfortable stage of pregnancy right now, counting down the days to where I would be able to sleep all night again, have energy to finish my daily activities without needing a break and longing for another cup of delicious coffee. Instead, I sit here with a giant cup of coffee, planning my day with no limitations of my physical ability and I realize that I am blessed even through the loss.
More so than ever, these past few months have brought me closer to the cross. I do not hold an ounce of hatred or doubt in the reasons why God “let this” occur. I have found myself looking for reasons during this season of life that answer the question “what good could come of this?” and every time I talk to God about it He points me back to the cross. Where would I be without the cross? what life would I have without the blood shed? how different would my world be if I did not believe in Jesus, if I did not accept His gift of salvation and if I did not see the whole picture of what it means to die in this world.
If I did not know the Truth, I would not have a reason for why we lost our baby. If this life was all that there was…then there would be absolutely no way I could attempt to come to peace with the deep, indescribable feelings of sorrow that I experienced as they placed my little guys lifeless body in my hands. This life is so short, this life is but a blink in the greater picture of why we were created. I see this more than ever and I know that God opened my eyes to that when I asked him…”what good could come of this?”.
For most of my life I have known that without a doubt I am going to Heaven. I accepted Christ as my Savior at a young age. I am now, however realizing that it is not about me. I have always had peace and faith but it’s not about me. God did not create me to only care about my own life, He created me to be a disciple for Him.
When I think about our loss, I think about the life Jesus had on this earth. He came down here, a place that He created years ago. A place that was free from corruption, free from pain and free from sin. His creation was perfect until Satan’s deception brought the black cloud of death over it. I lost my son, I had no part of the loss. I did not decide that I would take the life of my baby, that thought is absolutely unimaginable for me. God however, He sent his Son with the purpose of having his life taken. Knowing His Son would be hated, mocked and ultimately brutally killed. He did this for me. He did this for everyone. This reality takes a hold of me in a deeper way now.
If I was asked to give up my child’s life to save someone else I would grab hold of that beating heart within my baby and hold on to it so tight. I would turn my head away from the other life and let it die before I would willingly let my baby go. I cannot imagine the kind of love God had for me, for the world. He created a Son for that very purpose. How can I ever turn my back on a love like that.
Stepping out and consciously deciding to live a life that sees God in everything, and attempts to glorify God in everything is what Nathaniel’s life has brought to me. I no longer as God “what good can come of this?” because I know the answer. God can be glorified and lifted up, that is the good. I know that my baby is in heaven. I know that he is with Jesus. I know that his life is not lost. I hold onto that truth through the bad times and I rejoice in that through the good times.
Our pain is not gone. We still grieve. I still cry and I don’t imagine that will go away anytime soon. Looking at babies brings both joy and pain. Seeing the precious eyes of a baby has brought back the memory of the dead eyes we gazed upon at the hospital a few short months ago. However, we are still here. We are alive and we will take the life lost and glorify God with it. To those who don’t believe in God, this will likely sound ridiculous. To those people I just have to say… I would rather live my life here on earth, believing that my God exists and dying to find out that he doesn’t. Rather than purposefully denying Him only to die and find out that He does. I have NO doubt that God created us, created this world and sent his Son to die for us. If I didn’t have Him…this life would be pointless…everything I did would have no real meaning and I know that I would always have an empty feeling deep within me.
Thank you Jesus, thank YOU for what you’ve done. For me….for everyone.