This week marks 22 weeks of being pregnant. It is surreal that we are over half way through the growing stage of our newest addition. This pregnancy has had an incredible amount of emotions weaved through it as the weeks progressed; feelings of joy, sadness from loss, anxiety, excitement and helplessness to name a few. Each week that passes allows the four of us to continually grow in hope that we wont be faced with another loss in our small family.
In just a few days our family will head to the 22 week ultrasound scan and as that day approaches I am not thinking much about finding out the babies gender. At least not as much as I was when I was pregnant with Ethan and Konnor. Gender has never been something that has mattered to me. It has been a topic of discussion with multiple people around me for each pregnancy, I guess to some it really does impact their lives on the gender of my child. I was thrilled to find out I was having a boy six and a half years ago. I was just as thrilled to hear that our second baby was going to be a little boy. Not once did I harbor any bad feelings that neither of them were girls. In the same way, if they would have been girls I would have been just as excited.
Over the years I have seen hundreds and worked with multiple individuals that have mild to severe mental and physical disabilities. I have spent my days spoon feeding the elderly and changing their diapers. I have worked with men that were a good foot taller than me but developmentally were stuck at the age of my toddler. I have watched and assisted with care of individuals as they suffer from seizures, dementia and other disabilities that can take hold of ones body and render that person completely incapable of caring for themselves.
To find out the gender of my babies has been something Justin and I decided to do with each pregnancy. For the first two boys it was an exciting time, a day we looked forward to from the moment we found out I was expecting. For Nathaniel it was a different experience as we weren’t able to know gender until we held him in our hands. I have had many moments of sadness thinking about the moments I missed with him even before birth. My last ultrasound moment with him was seeing his lifeless body inside me. I am mainly haunted with the image of not seeing his flickering beating heart.
When we go into this ultrasound we am not focused on gender. We are excited to find out and we will be incredibly thrilled whether we hear “it’s a boy”! or “it’s a girl!”. More importantly we want to know if his/her brain is forming correctly, are there any medical issues concerning the face, how is my babies spine, stomach and kidneys? Is our babies heart ok? does it have four chambers is it pumping correctly and how is the heart rate? These are the things that are important. This is what matters to any human life. With going through a deep loss and with years of working with those who’s quality of life was far less than the majority of us I am praying hard and only asking God for the health of our baby. I am not praying for genitalia, other than the fact that whatever he/she may have is healthy.
Do I think my life would be complete if I had a room in my house with a closet full of little girl dresses and bows? Am I hoping and praying that this time God will bless me with a human that isn’t a boy? The answer is no. I am at a complete loss why so many people seem to care that we are, as of now a three boy family. I wouldn’t change a single thing that I have been blessed with. My boys are my life but instead of putting it that way I will say that my children are my life. Boy, girl…doesn’t matter. My heart as a mother has desired only one thing for my children, that they are healthy. I know that we may find out that this child has something wrong medically, I know that down the line we may be faced with horrible news about the health of my two oldest. There are no guarantees in life…especially where health is concerned. We will be faced with whatever comes our way and with God’s help we will get through it. He has proven Himself time and time again and we have felt His love and hand on us more than ever this past year. We hope and pray for health and a safe delivery for baby Miller #4.
Hearings others guesses on what this baby will be is fun. It’s when those comments become more negative and insinuate that another boy would be a disappointment to our family that really rub us the wrong way. We aren’t playing the “let’s make a girl” lottery and crossing our fingers and toes that we win big this time. The only reason I bring this up and perhaps the main purpose for this post is because we have received these comments so many times that I think people need to realize what they really sound like. With pregnancy #1 there were no such words spoken, they started trickling in with pregnancy #2 and to much of my surprise I actually received comments after losing our third boy. One can only imagine that by pregnancy #4 the comments are flowing in even more.
On Friday, we will see our little peanut. We will fall deeper in love with our little one and we will be overjoyed to hear the gender. We each already have our predictions, it will be a fun and unforgettable experience for our family since this is the first second trimester ultrasound that we have brought any child to. Anxiety and excitement are the feelings that are gripping me as the final days before this scan approaches. Not for news on blue or pink, but for results from the much bigger picture, the health and growth of our baby.
It's a Miller life.. 